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So our weekly podcast, where we turn chaos into connection. And purpose into action.
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I am your host, Mark Etrakin, the founder of the Achieving Unity Success Formula.
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Making life better by encouraging. Inspiring, and including others.
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Today, I have the privilege of introducing someone whose work truly reflects resilience.
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Encouragement, and unity. Martha Burek is a dedicated parent advocate.
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Speaker and author who has been her career equipping. Families with the tools to grow stronger.
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Be more connected, and more confident. Her mission is to inspire hope.
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Amplify voices, and remind us that unity and courage. Formed the foundation of raising the next generation.
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Martha's professional journey began as a child psychology professor, and later as a high school teacher in science and special education.
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These roles gave her a first-hand view of the challenges. Families and young people face.
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And I shaped her approach to fostering resilience. And Practical Solutions.
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It is an honor to welcome Martha Buret to the Achieving Unity Success for Me podcast.
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Where we all explore Hirsch insights on parenting. Mindset and the power of family.
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To shape a brighter future. But first. Before we engage into this insightful discussion.
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Let me quickly introduce my company. Reality-focused dynamics.
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Where this all began. As you can see on the slide, this is our first slide onโฆ
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The gift I'd like to make sure that you do take advantage of.
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Is our Achieving Unity Guide. And it is about ending anger.
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Hate and prejudice in the world today. There is so much today with people wanting to.
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Find something wrong. Anytime they walk into a room. Anytime they greet someone or see someone.
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First thing they think of is something negative. Something that's not right. That's where thatโฆ that's where we have to end that.
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And start realizing that all of us are the same in so many ways.
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We're different in a lot of ways. But our foundation is all the same.
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So I hope you will. Get a copy of our free Achieving Unity Guide now.
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The barcode on the bottom left takes you to the guide.
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The QR code, I'm sorry, the QR code on the bottom left, and the QR code.
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On the bottom right, takes you to our blog. That's the articles that I write, and I do put out two every two weeks, so there's four per month.
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It's in our semi-monthly newsletter. So dude, check out our blog, and I'll show you in a few minutes how to get onto our newsletter list.
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This is Achieving Unity Success Formula Weekly Podcast Number 50. 5-0. We're only two weeks away from being.
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A full year in helping others. Growing others and achieving unity.
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We are on every Wednesday. Starts at 1PM Pacific Time.
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4 p.m. Eastern Time, and we hope you put it on your calendar.
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Come see us every week, and as you know, for those who have already seen some of our podcasts, they are on YouTube, just a few days after the podcast is over.
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So please, go check them out. Let us know what you think. Give us feedback. We always want to hear more from you.
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The success-focused solutions of the reality-focused dynamics. Helps us in understanding so many areas. It's all about.
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What we do, and how we do it. In the process. As you see our logo on the slide.
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It truly represents the heart. The actual heart of what we do.
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Notice how focused sits right in the center of our logo?
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That is because everything that we explore. From reality-focused dynamics.
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To success-focused solution. Resolves aroundโฆ revolves around.
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Clear, intentional direction. And we are all about resolving those issues and turning them into solutions.
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In fact, that idea of focus. Is so central to us, it is even built right into our business phone number.
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303-362-8733, spells. 303 Focused on your phone pad.
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We truly believe that. But truly being focused.
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Focus on what matters, we can create meaningful change and achieve lasting unity.
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We have what we call provenโฆ I shouldn't say call. We have proven.
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Compassionate strategies that people use. Day after day, that turned conflict.
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Into lasting harmony. They work at home.
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At the office, wherever you work. And they work in every relationship that matters.
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Are you ever frustrated because of tension? Because of arguments?
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Our 7-step roadmap gives you the tools. To move from conflict.
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To collaboration. Quickly and confidently.
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Are you ever craving stronger trust? Stronger connection with others?
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What's holding us back? In our program, you'll discover communication tactics that build.
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Respect. That repairs relationship and unifies teams. And families alike.
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We transform conflict. Into connection.
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Together, achieving unity.
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Unity inspires us in our homes. It shapes the society around us.
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And it truly transforms workplaces. We help you turn that trendโฆ thatโฆ The frustration into understanding.
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Have you ever heard somebody say, what the. For frustration? Okay, they may not use the word frustration.
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But that's what it's all about. What we do is we help you find value.
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In your actions, instead of reacting in anger or frustration. Because that angerโฆ has no value. And we show that anger has no value, because anger is nothing more than.
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Actions, not gaining effective results. A-n-g-e-r.
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Actions, not gaming effective results. It's a waste of time. Now, we know that life happens in every relationship.
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For personal to professional. From parenting time to partnerships.
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In the boardroom? In the bedroom, in every room in between.
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We show you how to embrace those challenges. And encourageโฆ a more inspired and inclusive future.
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And you notice that's EII. Encouragement, inspiration, and inclusive future. So that's including others.
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There's more about that in our blog. Go check the blog, you'll see several articles.
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A 10-set series, talking about EII. We have one vision.
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One goal. That's achieving unity in every area of life.
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What's our call to action? Let's ditch the drama.
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Just get stuff done. Just get rid of that frustration. Anything that causes that anger.
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We'll show you how to turn your life. Well, it may seem like a dumpster fire.
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To a well-oiled machine. Achieving unity, the path to stronger relationships.
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Inspired leadership. And truly lasting change.
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We help you with coaching, consulting. Courses and keynote speeches.
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Contact us today. Domain is a reality-focused dynamics.com.
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You can also give me a MarkEntrakin.com, or AchievingUnity.com. And of course, you can call me, 303-362-8733.
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Which is 303 focus. Or use our QR code down at the bottom right of the screen.
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Let's get together. Let's put that call to action. Into action. Contact me today.
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And we have more podcasts coming up, because this is number 50, and Martha will be here in a second to celebrate our 50th podcast.
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The next week, Sue Patz will be here on New Beginning.
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How to restart, how to begin. Reโฆ I had to begin again at what we do, and how we're going.
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That's on September 3rd. Then, for our one-year anniversary, Scott Schilling will be here.
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Creating authentic relationships that matter. The ones that truly matter.
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We can make those better. That'll be on 9โฆ on September 10th.
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Then, Mila Johansson. We'll be here on the 17th.
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Self-publishing is easy as one. 2, 3, for anyone at any age.
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Have you ever wanted to write a book? Come join us on September 17th. We'll show you how.
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General Michael Davis will be here on the 24th of September.
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Helped by the storytelling Power Trio. We all need to writeโฆ I mean, they all need to tell stories better.
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But writing them is good also, but we'll also hear Martha today. She's a great storyteller.
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But come back on 9-24, Mackle Davis will be here explaining it even more.
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Then, starting in October, October 1st. Wendy Vaughn will be here.
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Heart-centered Coaching. Coaching from the heart.
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Where do we all focus? Heart, mind, and soul.
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That heart is where we need. To be centered. Come back and join us, October 1st. Wendy will be here.
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Hope to see you here then.
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But today, I'm excited. It's just a wonderful day. To have Martha here with us.
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She'll talk to us about parenting with purpose. Building Family Resilience.
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Martha Burek is a parenting advocate. A speaker, and family resilience leader that is dedicated.
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To empowering parents and caregivers. With courage. With connection.
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And with practical strategies. We need that strategy.
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With years of experience supporting families. Martha brings both compassion and actionable guidelines to every space that she enters.
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Through workshops, talks, and advocacy, she helps parents navigate transitions. Embrace resilience, and raise the next generation with confidence.
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And purpose. Her work sparks conversations on equity.
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Inclusion and well-being. Reminding us that family growth.
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Begins with unity. Courage and that power of encouragement.
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Martha's mission is to inspire hope. Amplify voices, and foster stronger.
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Healthier families for the future. You look on the bottom right, you'll see her URL, her domain.
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Https, Wโฆ www.marthavierarchy.com.
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Make sure to check with her after the podcast today. But please help me welcome my special guests today.
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Martha Mirage. Martha, how are you today?
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Thanks, Mark! I'm absolutely thrilled to be here. I'm absolutely great. And, you know, the very first thing I have to tell you about, you know the 80-20 rule?
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20% of everything is done, no. 80% of everything's done by 20% of the people at work. Um, 80% of sales come from 20% of the salesmen, etc, etc.
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Well, you know what? I like to translate that to life. Okay, look.
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Every day. Some days, 80% is gonna go wrong, and maybe 20% will go right. Some days, 80% goes right, 20% goes wrong. But you know what? Whatever day you're living in, it's a good day. Make the best of it, and live through it, because you know what? If today's one of those 80% things going wrong, well, guess what?
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Tomorrow will probably be better. Or, just wait 5 minutes. Things will change in 5 minutes.
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That isโฆ
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Remember that. Things, you know, don't stay bad or stay good. Everything goes up and down and changes.
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And, you know, Martha, thank you for saying that. That's one of the things that I talk about.
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Life is what we make it. So let's make it awesome together.
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We can do that. So quickly.
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Exactly. Exactly, and it's allโฆ We need to, you know, as long as we're livingโฆ doesn't matter your age, it doesn't matter your age, as long as you're alive, be alive. I know a man, he's 90. He wrote his first book at 80.
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He's written 5 books in 10 years. Because why? Because he's alive. As long as I'm alive, I'm going to live.
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Oh, I love that. I'd love to meet that person. That would be excellent. That's the kind of attitude that I think you and I both.
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Want to take forward that people. Deep inside, they want to grasp.
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And sometimes they don't know how. And we'll talk more about that in a second, about how people have.
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Grown, and the things that they've grown with. But Martha, let meโฆ let me ask you something quickly. I meanโฆ
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Wow, you've wornโฆ so many hats, and your knowledge, and your background as a professor.
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A teacher, a consultant, and now an author. Can we start with one big, big question.
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Can you help us by introducing yourself a little bit? Tell us which one of those hats, or maybe there's another one.
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That feels the most to you. And how that journey has shaped you.
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Ooh, good question. Well, you know, let's start with this, Mark.
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And who you are today.
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Mom loved my brothers better. I'm just gonna get that right out of the way.
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And, you know, I was on the treadmill with a woman a couple of weeks ago, and she's 70, her daughter's.
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50. And her daughter said to her, you, you always treat my sister better. You always, you know, all my life, blah blah blah. And mom tried to say to her daughter, look, I love you all the same, but you're different people.
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So, of course I treat you different, but I love you all the same. I'm not a robot. I can'tโฆ I can'tโฆ be exactly the same for everybody. Andโฆ
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And the reason I bring that up is because, you know, even at my age, and I even know better, in the back of my mind, I still have that, well, you know, mom loved my brother better, blah, blah, blah. But I did get him back, I did get him back. I wrote that book.
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Uh-huh.
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So, haha! And they do say that sibling rivalry definitely has a place if you talk to elite athletes, they'll say, I had to beat my brother or my sister at something.
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And it's funny you mention that.
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Oh, yeah, so that'sโฆ
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Go ahead.
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That startsโฆ that kind of starts, uh, out where all my life, I always thought that, oh, my, you know, everybody loved my brothers better, blah blah blah, what am I, chopped liver? That's how I felt most of my life. I'm chopped liver.
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Really?
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So, you know, if your kids are like that, they'll find their place. They'll help them along, they'll find their place.
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You see, we're talking about my background, and that's why I like to bring that up, because as longโฆ if you have more than one child, just realize you're going to deal with that.
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All your life, all yourโฆ it's never gonna change, it's never gonna change. And because it's too good an excuse. Mom loves my brother or sister better. Just too good an excuse for us to not get done what we need to get done.
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But, you know, in my life, um, I was kicked out of two colleges. Why am I telling you all this stuff?
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And you know why? Here's why I'm telling you that. Because you can come back from anything. I still came back and got a PhD, all but dissertation. You know what? There's neverโฆ There's never an ending. There might be a detour.
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But there's never ending. And I was just reading, somebody wants someone to write an article about, you know, life as aโฆ as a middle-ager, going back to maybe community college or something, okay, just go back, you know what?
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Teachers love older students because we're more mature. And we haveโฆ we know.
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Guess what? It's time for me now to settle down. You know, when I got kicked out the second time, okay, so I was crying at home to my mama, I don't know, what am I gonna do? I can't go back to college, blah blah blah, I've been kicked out of tube. And my mother said to me, she said, you're gonna march right back to that college and ask them to let you in.
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Which I did, that's exactly what I did when you let me in, and of course they said yes. Six months probation, you can't make anything less than a C, and we hope you learned your lesson. And guess what I did? I did learn my lesson.
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And that's why teachers like mature students. So if you go back to college or school, at whatever age you are.
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Um, it's a great thing, and you're gonna be fine. Just do what you gotta do one day at a time. So let's see, where are we going?
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Oh yeah, so then I was always into psychology, always, always, always. I wanted to be the next Sigmund Freud.
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But I flunked German. Why? Why am I confessing all this? But see, I flunked German, I still got a degree, didn't I? Oh, that's a big lesson. It's a big lesson.
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So, then I became a childโฆ oh, this was my big dream to be a college professor, so yes, I taught child psychology for 10 years.
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And then I became a high school education teacher for 16.
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Wow.
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So, yes, Iโฆ those are my dreams, and myโฆ they were my dreams for myโฆ my mother's dreams for me, too, because I wasโฆ I was theโฆ I'm the only person in my family to go to college.
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You know, my brother, who reallyโฆ he really is a genius, very, very smart mechanical engineer, very intelligent.
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He didn't go to college. He didn't have to. He hadโฆ he ran his own business. And, umโฆ But yes, so my mother was very, very pleased. I went to college. So, everybody has their strengths and their weaknesses. Let me tell you one other quick story. There was a man, I think, um.
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He got a GED, that's a general education degree. You know, I taught that test.
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I'm telling you, Mark, that is a hard test. A lot of people who got high school diplomas could not pass that test, and it's gotten harder.
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Is that right?
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That's right. He passed that test, and he got his GED, and he always felt second class because of it.
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But when you talk to him, he's a very intelligent man, very intelligent, but he tells the story.
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And he also had attention deficit as a child. Now, this is absolutelyโฆ I mean, Iโฆ cried the day he told us this story, that one day the teacher put him.
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In front of the classroom with aโฆ With a dance cap on his head.
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And said, you're stupid, you saidโฆ Yes, can you believe that? I mean, this happened, what.
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Wow. No.
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Or so, but, I mean, that'sโฆ That's criminal! That's absolutely criminal! And he's, you know, he's now going to see a therapist. He's 40 now, and he's going to see a therapist to try to deal with some of these things that happened to him because of his attention deficit, and because of the way that he saw the world differently.
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Than other people. So, why am I telling you these things? Because, just like what you tell people, it doesn't matter what the past is. Today is a new day.
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And it's time, if you want something, it's time toโฆ figure out what's my strategy, what am I going to do? Just step in the right direction. So.
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Set your priorities.
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Anyway, yeah, so then I became a child. Yes, get your priorities decide, and stopโฆ and stop whining and crying, you know, just like my mother that day. Stop, stop crying and whining. You march right back over to that college, because.
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Action. Action. Not words.
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Action. Changes.
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Makes all the difference in the world.
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Yeah, and you know, I told you that story. I'll tell it again. Okay, so I'm sitting at lunch today, and I'm eating, and we have a bad dog. He's a bad dog.
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Well, he's a good dog, but he does badโฆ bad behaviors. And he got up on the counter.
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Looking and sniffing around, and Iโฆ I said to him, get down, and he looked at me. He just looked at me like.
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Get out of here. I know you're not gonna get up.
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Yep.
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I know you're not gonna get up here eating lunch, and I thought that to myself, too. So I said to myself, you know, next timeโฆ And this is the first parenting tip, everybody. Get up! If you need to change that behavior.
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Sit up. Might have gotten up here.
00:21:37.000 --> 00:21:48.000
And that's a goodโฆ what you just said, if you want that behavior to change, you've got to get up, because they've got to be taught. If you don't teach them.
00:21:48.000 --> 00:21:54.000
They're not going to learn, right?
00:21:54.000 --> 00:21:55.000
Interesting.
00:21:55.000 --> 00:22:03.000
Exactly, exactly. Exactly. So anyway, so I think, uh, is that my background? Yes, then I hadโฆ I have one child, and this is why I wrote the book. When he was 4, oh my goodness, he was so spoiled.
00:22:03.000 --> 00:22:06.000
His dad and I, we didn't know what we were gonna do. He was so spoiled.
00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:15.000
And so, I got the information I needed. We turned him around in 6 weeks.
00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:16.000
Wow.
00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:30.000
He went fromโฆ I mean, he wasโฆ he was a monster, Mark! Oh my goodness, he refusedโฆ for an answer. Refuse to take no for an answer. And because we had trained him, because we would say no, and then he would push or have a tantrum, or whatever, you know, and it would be pretty much like, oh, okay, here, you know, get out of here, kid, you bug me.
00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:35.000
I mean, I say it that way, but that was pretty much how I felt sometimes.
00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:40.000
But I had to learn, I had to learn to, you know what? If you're gonna say no, you better mean it.
00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:43.000
Or you're gonna ruin his life, and yours. And that's something I really want to make clear to parents.
00:22:43.000 --> 00:22:47.000
Yep.
00:22:47.000 --> 00:23:03.000
Before you sayโฆ say no or yes, think. And say, if I say no, am I gonna back it up? Do I mean it? Because if I change it to yes, I'm gonna make his life, her life, my child's life miserable.
00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:04.000
Andโฆ That is so true, and thank you for bringing that up.
00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:08.000
And my own. Soโฆ I have to think before I give anโฆ
00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:13.000
Martha, because that's one of the things, too. That if we're not clear.
00:23:13.000 --> 00:23:17.000
Well, what we mean. How is the person that's receiving.
00:23:17.000 --> 00:23:20.000
What we're saying going to be clear.
00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:31.000
And a lot of children, they don't, you know, they're mother deaf, father deaf, they don't listen to their parents. You know why? Because their parents do exactly what I did with that dog.
00:23:31.000 --> 00:23:40.000
They don't get up. You know, if a child is misbehaving, you don't yell across the room, you get up. You don'tโฆ you don't need to be angry or anything else, you get up.
00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.000
You go to the child, you look the child in the eye, and you say, hey, wait a minute here.
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:50.000
Here's what I want you to do. You know, all the time, we're telling children, don't do this, don't run, don'tโฆ no, no.
00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:57.000
Walk. Walk. Tell them what you want them to do, because when we always tell them what we don't want them to do, well.
00:23:57.000 --> 00:24:01.000
What's the right thing to do? Soโฆ
00:24:01.000 --> 00:24:04.000
And that's one of those things, too. Go ahead.
00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:09.000
Well, that'sโฆ and that'sโฆ that's the point. Think to yourself, what is it you want from your child?
00:24:09.000 --> 00:24:13.000
You know, stop yelling. Okay, stop yelling, what should I do? Whisper?
00:24:13.000 --> 00:24:19.000
Should I scream? Should I sing?
00:24:19.000 --> 00:24:27.000
And that's what we need to teach them to do. Is be able to understand what they need to do in those situations.
00:24:27.000 --> 00:24:33.000
Because if we don't teach them. They're not going to get taught in the rest of the world.
00:24:33.000 --> 00:24:34.000
If we don't teach them, give them that foundation at home.
00:24:34.000 --> 00:24:37.000
Mm-hmm.
00:24:37.000 --> 00:24:44.000
And to understand what not screaming means? What talking at a normal level of voice?
00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:47.000
Means? They're not going to know. If they have toโฆ if they feel.
00:24:47.000 --> 00:24:50.000
Right?
00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:56.000
They have to yell all the time to be heard. What are they going to do when they leave home?
00:24:56.000 --> 00:25:00.000
When they go to school, when they go to work, when they're at their friend's house.
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.000
Anywhere they are. If they have a belief.
00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:11.000
That they have to talk loudly. To be heard, they're going to think that's a norm.
00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:13.000
A normal situation, right?
00:25:13.000 --> 00:25:22.000
Right, and then they're confused. So, yes, that's definitely such a good point. So, you want to tell your children what you do want. So let me give you an example in the grocery store.
00:25:22.000 --> 00:25:30.000
Let's say you have a 4-year-old, and you're going to the grocery store. One thing, before you go there, you say, look, we're going to the grocery store, here's what I expect of you.
00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.000
You need to stay next to me if you don't sit in the court.
00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:48.000
And if I can't see you, or you can't see me, we got a problem. You know, and don't scare your child, don't tell them a bad man's gonna get used. No, we can't handle that kind of stuff. Even adults can't. Just say, you know what, I need to be able to see you, Iโฆ the store's a big place, and I don't want to have to chase after you.
00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:56.000
So if Iโฆ if you can't see me, I can't see you, there's gonna be a problem. So that means you're going to have to sit in the cart. Do you understand?
00:25:56.000 --> 00:26:06.000
So, we need to stay near me, but if Iโฆ look around and I don't see you, you'll have to sit in the cart. Do you understand? And, you know, and the child will say yes, and then you'll say, are you willing to do that?
00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:11.000
See, a lot of times, the child will say, yeah, I understand, but they're not willing to do what you want.
00:26:11.000 --> 00:26:18.000
So you have to say, so, are you willing to do that? And then the child will say, yes. Okay, so you get to the grocery store, the child runs off, of course!
00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:23.000
The grocery store is an amusement park. I love the grocery store.
00:26:23.000 --> 00:26:29.000
You know, Iโฆ I get distracted in theโฆ
00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:44.000
Grocery store, it's too much fun! See something that appeals to them. So you gentlyโฆ you don't have to be all mean and angry, you just go up to the child, you go, I see you decided to sit in the cart. And then they're gonna argue and give me another chance. No, no, no, no, no.
00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:51.000
You said if they ran off, or you couldn't see them, the consequence would be they would be in the cart.
00:26:51.000 --> 00:27:02.000
They're in the cart today. Next time, maybe next time, we'll try again, but today, you're in the cart, and the minute you put the child in the cart, and don't be mean or mad.
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:04.000
Put them in the cart and go, okay, I'll wear the bananas.
00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:16.000
Where's your favorite spaghetti? Keep the child busy. See, that's another problem, too. Parents don't keep their children busy or occupied. Boredom causes more trouble, and you'll find that out with addicts and alcoholics.
00:27:16.000 --> 00:27:21.000
Boredom is one of the number one reasons they relapse, or they can't seem to stop.
00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:34.000
Um, indulging in their problem substances or whatever. You know, and in effect, you've probably had that experience, Mark, where, you know, gee, I'm bored, and you don't really say that, you go like, hmm.
00:27:34.000 --> 00:27:39.000
I'm hungry. You're not really hungry. He usually is bored.
00:27:39.000 --> 00:27:44.000
You know how many times we stand in front of the refrigerator looking for something to eat? If we were really hungry, we'd eat whatever.
00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:52.000
Whatever. But, you know, in America today, and really in most of the developed world, how often does that even happen, where we're really, really hungry?
00:27:52.000 --> 00:28:00.000
Yeah, but thenโฆ but that's a blessing. A blessing, I guess, a blessing and a curse that we really don't understand what real hunger is. Anyway, that's a whole other story.
00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:01.000
But that's one of the things that you justโฆ since you mentioned that.
00:28:01.000 --> 00:28:04.000
So.
00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:13.000
That's one of our problems, sitting at a desk. Because too many times, we don't know what to do next, and what do we do if there's food on our desk?
00:28:13.000 --> 00:28:20.000
It could be crackers, it could be peanuts, it could be something healthy, or it could be something that's not healthy.
00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.000
But when we have that moment. Or that lapse.
00:28:24.000 --> 00:28:28.000
What do I do next? We're going to reach for something.
00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:29.000
Right. Yeah, and I mention that in the book, too, about how boredom causes problems. And, you know, and another thing.
00:28:29.000 --> 00:28:36.000
A lot of times it's food. And thatโฆ
00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:43.000
Kids areโฆ they're being two screenโฆ I don't know, they're on their screens too much, and.
00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:55.000
Being onโฆ and this is for adults, too, being on the screen too much, whether it's television, YouTube, social media, that causes it, really causes unhappiness, and people.
00:28:55.000 --> 00:29:06.000
See the world not the way that it truly is. You see all this false reality and believe it, and it causes a lot of problems, a lot of problems. We had a lot of problems when I was a kid.
00:29:06.000 --> 00:29:08.000
It does.
00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:15.000
Because of social media, and I mean, we had children who wanted to commit suicide because of things that happened on social media.
00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:20.000
And it's effect on them. So, parents, be very, very careful. Do not let your children.
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:29.000
Indulge in any social media that isn't out in the open, and that you can't see everything they're doing in every one they're talking to.
00:29:29.000 --> 00:29:34.000
Because otherwise, um, you really don'tโฆ your child's living a double life.
00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:41.000
That you know nothing about. So keep your eyes open for that. So, make sure that they have a lot of activities that do not.
00:29:41.000 --> 00:29:59.000
Involve screen times or television. You know, when you're in the car, do not put on a movie or let the child have the phone. You know, look, where's a red sign? Where's a blue car? What state is that car from? Have them constantly looking for things. I hear a dog barking. What do you think he's barking about?
00:29:59.000 --> 00:30:06.000
You know, constant with conversation, or what did you do today? What happened yesterday? What did grandmaโฆ what'd grandma tell you?
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:13.000
But she told you a story. What was that story? So, try to get their memories going and get them telling stories and doing things.
00:30:13.000 --> 00:30:20.000
Because we're becoming, um, aโฆ complacent isn't the word. Lazy's not the word.
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:25.000
A, umโฆ a society that doesn't get enough activity.
00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:28.000
Mentally or physically.
00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:36.000
Then we get into what's called comfort levels, and we become too satisfied with that comfort level, we're not reaching for that next step.
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:42.000
Or we're not taking that next step. To go somewhere else, and itโฆ
00:30:42.000 --> 00:30:47.000
To be able to achieve something. And like you're saying, with those games thatโฆ
00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:51.000
People play, and I do play free cell. I love free cell.
00:30:51.000 --> 00:30:56.000
But it's what I play when I'mโฆ doing something else that I don't want to think.
00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:01.000
And I just want to get away from it. But too many times.
00:31:01.000 --> 00:31:04.000
We get into these games, or the screen, as you're saying.
00:31:04.000 --> 00:31:11.000
And it's an exโฆ somewhat of an excitement to begin with, because, look, I'm doing something.
00:31:11.000 --> 00:31:20.000
But when that something is over. What they've achieved, or the value that they'veโฆ
00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:25.000
Theoretically reach from that? Is so minimal. I mean, there'sโฆ
00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:31.000
There still is no true value in it. So how do they feel about themselves, or like myself, I.
00:31:31.000 --> 00:31:35.000
I went to a pre-show game, wow, some are easy, some are hard.
00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:37.000
What value do I have because I did that? It's great that I'm figuring out being solution-oriented.
00:31:37.000 --> 00:31:42.000
Yeah.
00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:47.000
But at the end of the game, what do I have besides a number on the screen?
00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:48.000
I've created no value. Right?
00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:54.000
Well, that's a good point. Right. Yeah. Created no value, and it's hollow, it's a hollow victory. You know, and Iโฆ
00:31:54.000 --> 00:31:55.000
Hollow.
00:31:55.000 --> 00:32:07.000
And I mention in the book, you know what? When you have young children, always have a bag full of stuff for them to do. Pencils, paper, crayons, coloring, you know, markers.
00:32:07.000 --> 00:32:14.000
Seek and find books, mazes, you know, things that they can physically touch and do, toys.
00:32:14.000 --> 00:32:36.000
Cars, little things that they can do to keep them occupied, becauseโฆ and their hand's moving, and their minds moving, because otherwise, you're just asking for trouble. To have a child sit in a doctor's office or somewhere else, and they have nothing to do? Well, what are they going to do? They're going to walk around, they're going to causeโฆ they're going to get into things that they shouldn't, so if you had a bag full of activities.
00:32:36.000 --> 00:32:45.000
And then you could ask the child before you leave, oh, what would you like me to put in the bag? What kind of stuff would you like to do while we're at so-and-so's house, or while we're over here at waiting?
00:32:45.000 --> 00:33:03.000
You know, what would you like to do? You know, when you have to go get your driver's license, or anywhere you have to go to wait, always have a bag full of activities. The same thing, always have stuff in your car for your child to do. If you're constantly handing your child a phone, that is notโฆ That's not developing their intellect, that is not developing theirโฆ
00:33:03.000 --> 00:33:16.000
Their ability to think aboutโฆ think through things. How am I going to solve that? What are we going to do there? You know, um, a lot of us, a lot of people have book learning, but they don't knowโฆ if the toilet won't flush, what are they going to do? They don't know enough to take the tank?
00:33:16.000 --> 00:33:28.000
Lid off, and to check in there, and to see, you know, does the flush work? Does this work? So, yeah, we have to become much more curious about our world around us.
00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:29.000
And how to fixโฆ
00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:34.000
And intrigue our children. To be the center. I wrapped you there, but I'm right with what you're saying, I think.
00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:39.000
Because we need to be more curious and teach that to our children.
00:33:39.000 --> 00:33:47.000
So they are more curious on that next step. Looking at the next difference that they can maybe improve, right?
00:33:47.000 --> 00:33:56.000
All right, yeah, you know, go open your sink doors, your sink doors in the bathroom, the kitchen, and show the children, okay, let's see, where does the waste go?
00:33:56.000 --> 00:34:01.000
That pipe, where does it go? And follow it, follow it all the way down into the basement, all the way to the sump pump.
00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:06.000
Or to the sewer, you know, depending on which you have.
00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:12.000
And let the child start seeing, you know, stuff just doesn't disappear. Find, where does the water come in from?
00:34:12.000 --> 00:34:25.000
It doesn't just appear. Well, you know, what are theseโฆ what are these pipes for? You know, which is the hot, which is the cold? How does it go to the hot water tank? How does this work? How does that work? How does it go to theโฆ
00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:35.000
To the, um, washing machines, and to the sinks, you know, how does that work? And justโฆ try to explain that to kids and find out yourself, and that's allโฆ that's allโฆ
00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:37.000
That's a whole journey. You know, trying to figure out that.
00:34:37.000 --> 00:34:44.000
Becauseโฆ That is so true, Martha, too, because the lack of knowledge creates fear.
00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:50.000
And you say, well, that'sโฆ nobody's really fear under the sink. Oh, yes, they are. In a drawer are the dark?
00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:57.000
That lack of knowledge. Creates fear, and the simple things that you just mentioned.
00:34:57.000 --> 00:35:00.000
People go, I'm not even sure my kid under the sink.
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.000
What's under the sink that you need to clean out if it's that bad?
00:35:03.000 --> 00:35:11.000
But we have to think about ourselves first. But as you just mentioned, that water comes out, it runs down the sink, runs through that littleโฆ
00:35:11.000 --> 00:35:18.000
Trap, goes out, then what happens? I've never thought about that, but that's a good idea to show kids.
00:35:18.000 --> 00:35:22.000
When they're young, how this worksโฆ for some, when they're older.
00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:29.000
How does this work? Let them understand a little bit more, and I think it was your brother, you mentioned it's the engineer.
00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:35.000
For us all to learn how things work. Don't just memorize.
00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:39.000
We need to remember things, of course. But to be able to do something.
00:35:39.000 --> 00:35:46.000
With what we know, gives us that greaterโฆ next step, too, doesn't it?
00:35:46.000 --> 00:35:53.000
Mm-hmm. And you're soโฆ that is so exactly perfect, Mark. What we don't know, it creates.
00:35:53.000 --> 00:35:58.000
Fear. That's why you get these 3- and 4-year-olds, they don't want to go to bed, they're afraid to go to bed by themselves.
00:35:58.000 --> 00:36:08.000
Because they're scared, because it gets dark, what could be out in the dark? You know, and sometimes that comes from your exposing children to scary things too soon.
00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:17.000
Yeah, and I'll tell this story, I shouldn't, but I'll tell it anyway. I had to go out of town, my son was 5, and he and his dad always liked.
00:36:17.000 --> 00:36:22.000
I don't know, horror kind of stuff. And I thought that was totally inappropriate. Well.
00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:26.000
No other parents do this, so I'm pointing my finger. Let's say, don't do this, parents.
00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:33.000
My husband, while I was gone, he and Anthony, they saw one of those Saw movies.
00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:38.000
One of those horror, horror, horribleโฆ Moviesโฆ a terrible horror movie.
00:36:38.000 --> 00:36:43.000
And I wouldn'tโฆ I was like, what? You guys watched, what?
00:36:43.000 --> 00:36:59.000
Don't do that, parents. Don't show your kids, because that makes them fearful, because they start thinking, oh my goodness, there's bad people in the world, and that could happen to me, andโฆ Try to be more discerning than, you know, God bless his soul, God rest his soul. He was a good man, he had a lovely heart.
00:36:59.000 --> 00:37:03.000
But he just didn't think that one through.
00:37:03.000 --> 00:37:07.000
And some of the things that you're saying there make a lot of sense, too, because.
00:37:07.000 --> 00:37:12.000
From the time a child is born. We're teaching them to mimic us.
00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:17.000
Mimic our smiles, mimic how we pick something up, mimic how we grab something.
00:37:17.000 --> 00:37:22.000
And then as they becomeโฆ let's call those terrible twos. Once they've learned how to do the basics.
00:37:22.000 --> 00:37:26.000
Then all we're saying is, no, don't do this, no, don't do that.
00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:30.000
My son picked up the little cliche of, no, no, no, no!
00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:33.000
Because we told him no so many times he did things.
00:37:33.000 --> 00:37:36.000
He just kind of picked up that everything was a no.
00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:45.000
Instead of just saying no, saying, why? You don't do this. Why this is a problem? You think, well, a 2-year-oldโฆ two years old, they're not going to understand.
00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:47.000
It depends on how you talk to them. When you explain what's going to happen and show them examples.
00:37:47.000 --> 00:37:51.000
Right.
00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:55.000
They pick things up quick, and your cello becomes so much more.
00:37:55.000 --> 00:38:01.000
Intelligent, not just smart, but ability to do more than just memorize.
00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:05.000
But to understand, isn't that a little bit better than just knowing something?
00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:24.000
Oh, it's so much, so much better, and that's myโฆ my story about the 2-year-old put his shoes in the microwave. I had a mother in my child psychology class, and she believed that, you know, children need to be punished. I don't think you even haveโฆ you don't have to yell, and you certainly don't have toโฆ Punish children, but there have to be consequences, but anyway, soโฆ
00:38:24.000 --> 00:38:28.000
She told me, she said he put his shoes in the microwave. I said, what'd you do? She goes, I spanked him.
00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:33.000
I said, you spanked him? He's seen you put who knows what in that microwave.
00:38:33.000 --> 00:38:47.000
A lot of stuff you put in the microwave does not look like food. It's boxes, it's plastic, it's who knows. Do you ever, you know, warm something up in the microwave? What about those neck pillow things that you warm up in the microwave? Anyone just started thinking about that. I said.
00:38:47.000 --> 00:38:58.000
You know, so what you've really done is made him afraid to experiment. Made him afraid to try things. It would have been better to say, well, to ask him, well, why'd you do that, sweetheart? Well, I wanted to warm him up. They were cold.
00:38:58.000 --> 00:39:11.000
You know, oh, well, you know, we don't do that. Here's how we do that. Just like you said, we explained. So she'd have been so much better to explain, and you know, the research has been done again and again and again with children who are.
00:39:11.000 --> 00:39:20.000
Abused, who are, um, constantly told no, but never told what they can do. No, you can't do that, but well, okay, I can't run, but what can I do?
00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:26.000
So, anyway, with children, there was an 18-month-old, and they were doing an experiment.
00:39:26.000 --> 00:39:30.000
And mom, when the child was with mom, he was okay.
00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:37.000
And he would, you know, crawl around the house, walk around, and get into things. The minute Dad came home, the baby would sit in the middle of the.
00:39:37.000 --> 00:39:46.000
The room and just cry. Because every time he did something, Dad would punish him, because he would get into things, and Dad didn't know.
00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:53.000
Better ways to keep the child from misbehaving. And, you know, my brother and I were just talking today, you know, that same dog that got up on the counter.
00:39:53.000 --> 00:40:03.000
When he was younger, we had a, uhโฆ a dog cage for him. But it was bigger, it wasโฆ it was big, but one day we came home.
00:40:03.000 --> 00:40:09.000
And he had gotten out. I can'tโฆ I still, to this day, I'll never be able to figure out how he got out of it. The door was still locked.
00:40:09.000 --> 00:40:19.000
The bottom was still in it, I don't know. But anyway, he did not like that cage, because we didn'tโฆ Teach him properly to like it. We would just put him in it and leave, and he'dโฆ
00:40:19.000 --> 00:40:30.000
You'd freak out, you know, it'd be the sameโฆ it was a fearful. He didn't know what was going to happen to him. And we were talking today about, you know what, his cage probablyโฆ I was just reading about another dog that did not like to be in the dog.
00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:36.000
Cages, but they put him in a gigantic. Area where he could always see out.
00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:47.000
So where he was safe, but it was really big and he could move around and everything, and I think that might have been part of our problem. I don't knowโฆ I don't even know why that story came up. But anyway, it's the same thing with animals as it is with children.
00:40:47.000 --> 00:41:04.000
They need to know what they can do, not just what they can't do. Don't just say, no, no, no. Say, okay, we're not going to put our shoes in the microwave, here's what we do put in the microwave, but I can see why you did that. Now, do you want to warm up your shoes? What do you want to do? And then we can discuss it and talk about, you know, Maria Montessori.
00:41:04.000 --> 00:41:12.000
When she didโฆ she, um, discovered the Montessori Method, which is activity-based, action-based. Well, when a child would spill something.
00:41:12.000 --> 00:41:19.000
Let's say the child spilled the milk. Maria would say, oh boy, you know, the milk is there, we're gonna have to clean that up.
00:41:19.000 --> 00:41:22.000
But, you know what? In the meantime, let's play in it.
00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:34.000
Is it thick? Is it thin? Is it, you know, does it coat stuff? Does it not? Is it sweet? Is it sour? Is it salty? You know, and that's the attitude to have. So.
00:41:34.000 --> 00:41:50.000
Be more, um, experimental? What's another word for that? Be more curious. Be more curious about things. You know, just because it's a mess doesn't mean that it has to be cleaned up right away. Let's figure out a way we canโฆ We can work with it, we can mess with it, we can play with it before we clean it up.
00:41:50.000 --> 00:42:00.000
You know, going out, a lot of parents will take their kids, you know, it's raining, I don't want to go outside. Do you want to go outside? And the child will say, well, you know, I'd like to go outside. Okay, let's go outside and get wet.
00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:01.000
We get in the shower most mornings, right? We getโฆ we take baths and get wet.
00:42:01.000 --> 00:42:04.000
What's going to happen to me?
00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:05.000
What's wrong with the rain, right?
00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:14.000
Let's go jump in the mud puddle, see what happens. You know, we're too, uh, I don't know, we're too focused on, oh my goodness, we might get a germ, mmmโฆ
00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:18.000
Please, you know, germs, we need germs. So, yes.
00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:24.000
And there'sโฆ for us to think that there's not going to be germs, even if we pick something up out of the dishwasher. We talk about.
00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:27.000
The water and all the other things, and, well, the high temperature.
00:42:27.000 --> 00:42:30.000
There's still germs in the air that we breathe. And sometimes we're just a little bit too fanatic about things.
00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:34.000
Yeah.
00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:38.000
And I think, like you're saying here, Martha, it's always those beliefs.
00:42:38.000 --> 00:42:43.000
That we create, and the belief that we have that we don't explain well.
00:42:43.000 --> 00:42:46.000
Is not going to go across well with whoever is listening.
00:42:46.000 --> 00:42:50.000
And especially with a child who doesn't have that vast knowledge.
00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:55.000
Our larger knowledge to be able to put that 2 and 2 together, right?
00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:56.000
Right, yeah, you know. And we don'tโฆ honey, we don't do that.
00:42:56.000 --> 00:43:01.000
We have to make sure that they understand.
00:43:01.000 --> 00:43:02.000
Why? Why not?
00:43:02.000 --> 00:43:15.000
You know, we don't do that. That'sโฆ If we don't do that. We do it this way, or it's easier to do it this way, or, you know, we fold the towels this way, orโฆ explain it, go all the way, and if the child says, why not? You know, a lot of times, well, you know, there's that old story about, uh.
00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:17.000
Grandma used to always cut the ends off the ham at Easter.
00:43:17.000 --> 00:43:18.000
Yes.
00:43:18.000 --> 00:43:35.000
And, um, and the whole family was like, one day, someone said, hey, Grandma, why does Grandma cut the ends off the ham? Oh, I don't know, my mom did it that way. Well, I don't know, let'sโฆ They went all the way back as far as they could go, and it turned out that the first grandma of the pan was.
00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:39.000
Too small, she couldn't fit the whole ham in there. So she cut the ends off.
00:43:39.000 --> 00:43:44.000
And we carry those beliefs on because someone else did it, and like we just talked about, Martha.
00:43:44.000 --> 00:43:48.000
When we are born, from the time we first start learning anything.
00:43:48.000 --> 00:43:56.000
We repeat others. Our parents teach us, do it this way, do this. Here's how you grab, here's my finger, grab both my finger.
00:43:56.000 --> 00:44:03.000
We're learning that from others. And when we grow up, we're still doing the same thing. We're still learning from others.
00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:09.000
When we go to school, when we go to college. We're stillโฆ when we go to work.
00:44:09.000 --> 00:44:15.000
We're still learning from others. So we have to remember that that is inbred within us.
00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:21.000
It's to learn from others and repeat. What we see, right?
00:44:21.000 --> 00:44:32.000
And, you know, it just came into my mind, but I'm seeing a lot of things onโฆ onโฆ YouTube and Facebook and stuff, where parents, I don't know, are messing with their kids.
00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:33.000
Messing with them?
00:44:33.000 --> 00:44:41.000
I don't know, theyโฆ Yeah, messing with them, I don't know, playing jokes on them, and just doing things to see the child's reaction.
00:44:41.000 --> 00:44:49.000
Don't do that. Please don't do that. That shows such a lack of respect for your children. It's really not worth it.
00:44:49.000 --> 00:44:56.000
If I was afraid that someone was going to constantly be playing practical jokes on me and doing things to try to get my.
00:44:56.000 --> 00:45:05.000
My reaction scare me, or whatever. That's really not a happy existence, and it would make me very suspicious of you.
00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:08.000
And it would ruin our relationship. And that's another thing, too.
00:45:08.000 --> 00:45:11.000
And what people don't think about is that it becomes a learning.
00:45:11.000 --> 00:45:16.000
Right? When someone else does it, that becomes a learning situation.
00:45:16.000 --> 00:45:17.000
And, you know, a lot of childrenโฆ take us out of their quality worlds.
00:45:17.000 --> 00:45:22.000
And that's what they'reโฆ
00:45:22.000 --> 00:45:27.000
Because we don't listen to them, and because we're constantly chastising them.
00:45:27.000 --> 00:45:32.000
One day, um, my son came home, he was about 10. He had gone out with a friend.
00:45:32.000 --> 00:45:38.000
And a friend's dad. And Anthony came home and he said, you know what? I will say Bobby.
00:45:38.000 --> 00:45:48.000
Bobby'sโฆ we all went to the toy store, and Bobby's dad bought Bobby a toy. He didn't buy me anything! You know, being a goodโฆ a good mother. Well, what do you expect? He's not your father. Ooh.
00:45:48.000 --> 00:45:57.000
Wrong thing to say. Anthony immediately said, you don't understand, I'm never talking to you again!
00:45:57.000 --> 00:45:58.000
And I realized, ooh, I didn't listen. I played parent instead of.
00:45:58.000 --> 00:46:03.000
And that'sโฆ you brought up a good point there, too. A lot ofโฆ
00:46:03.000 --> 00:46:04.000
Go ahead. I was just saying, you mentioned something there, too, that it's, again.
00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:08.000
Butโฆ
00:46:08.000 --> 00:46:13.000
How we're learning from others, and then we're building that inside us.
00:46:13.000 --> 00:46:20.000
And when we see something like that happen. We grab onto it without that explanation.
00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:25.000
Of the full process. And again, the childrenโฆ
00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:30.000
Are confused, because they don't understand it. I wouldn't understand, I don't mean to say they.
00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:32.000
I wouldn't either. I had great parents, but I know that.
00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:35.000
Yeah.
00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:43.000
I picked up a lot of habits. That were beliefs of theirs, that they weren't wrong.
00:46:43.000 --> 00:46:49.000
But the beliefโฆ was not correct, if that makes sense. And it took us.
00:46:49.000 --> 00:46:55.000
Learning something new. Because too many times we don't know, and as we mentioned earlier.
00:46:55.000 --> 00:47:00.000
If we don't know what to do, we're gonna doโฆ whatever we've seen somebody else do.
00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:01.000
That's right. Well, and you know, I think it was Mark Twain.
00:47:01.000 --> 00:47:04.000
And that might not be right.
00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:11.000
Mark Twain had said, um. When I was 14, my father was the most ignorant soot on the face of the earth.
00:47:11.000 --> 00:47:15.000
When I turned 21, I was amazed at how much he'd learned.
00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:16.000
Exactly, that is so true. Well, can we touch on something? I mean, you told aboutโฆ and you touched on this earlier.
00:47:16.000 --> 00:47:21.000
It's soโฆ
00:47:21.000 --> 00:47:27.000
You once turned your son's boiled behavior. Around in just 6 weeks.
00:47:27.000 --> 00:47:37.000
Without punishment or yelling. And I'm gonna bet there's a lot of parents that are listening to this right now, they're probably leaning in pretty close.
00:47:37.000 --> 00:47:44.000
What was that secret sauce? What wasโฆ that process that you've followed.
00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:45.000
Well, I put all of it in the book, but the first thing, the very first thing.
00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.000
To make that happen.
00:47:49.000 --> 00:48:07.000
Is I stopped criticizing completely. I only mentioned when he did something right. Now, if there was, like, you know, dangerous situation where people are hitting each other, that was different, then I would step in. But, you know, basically, if he made a little mistake, or did something, you know, wrong, or whatever, Iโฆ
00:48:07.000 --> 00:48:12.000
Ignored it, most of it, I totally ignored, and I made sure to say at least.
00:48:12.000 --> 00:48:34.000
So, at least one or two or three things every day that he did right. Oh, wow, look at you, you got dressed by yourself, or oh my goodness, I really like that outfit, or wow, I noticed how well you play with your friend, you're so friendly to him, you are so helpful. So I've made a point to say, and every single day, to say, I love you, oh, I'm gonna start crying, I'm glad you're my son.
00:48:34.000 --> 00:48:39.000
Because I was forgetting those things and not saying those things, and children need to hear it.
00:48:39.000 --> 00:48:48.000
And so I would mention the things he did right. That, right there, stopped so much of his bad behavior, so much, because he was desperately.
00:48:48.000 --> 00:48:52.000
Seeking attention, not knowing how to get it in a positive way.
00:48:52.000 --> 00:48:54.000
That was number one. That was the very first thing I did.
00:48:54.000 --> 00:48:56.000
So true.
00:48:56.000 --> 00:49:18.000
Stopped all criticism. Because, you know, as parents, we want our children to be right, and do right, and we want to correct them when they're wrong. But you know what? Yes, we are their parent, but we need to establish a relationโฆ ship and a foundation, and the child needs to know that they can turn to us and trust us, and that we love them and care about them. And they also need to know what.
00:49:18.000 --> 00:49:22.000
We like about them. And, you know, I did an exercise with my mom.
00:49:22.000 --> 00:49:28.000
My mother never said anything nice to me, was alwaysโฆ Always negative, but she loved me, but that was just howโฆ
00:49:28.000 --> 00:49:35.000
She raised, that's how she raised children. So, one day, I did an exercise with her, Jack Canfield, Chicken Soup for the Soul. He said to do this.
00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.000
He said, um, go with your loved one, your whoever, and say, look.
00:49:39.000 --> 00:49:45.000
You write 10 nice things about me, I'll write 10 nice things about you, let's do it right now. Let's sit down and do it right now.
00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:54.000
So I go to my mom, and I go, okay, mom, we're gonna do this exercise. And the first thing she said was, that's dumb, that's stupid. I said, yeah, it might be, Mom, but let's do it anyway, okay?
00:49:54.000 --> 00:50:00.000
So, she did, right? So I said, okay, I'm gonna write 10 nice things about you, I'm gonna set the timer for, I think, 5 minutes.
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:10.000
And you write 10 nice things about me, okay? She goes, well, okay. All right, so I'm writing, you know, I'm writing, writing, writing. I got it done in, like, you know, a minute.
00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:21.000
And then I look, and there's my mother. Like, she's really, really having to work at finding nice things about me. I have a little resentment about that to this day. But anyway.
00:50:21.000 --> 00:50:27.000
So we finish, and I read her list. Mark, I was in shock. She was like.
00:50:27.000 --> 00:50:34.000
You're a loving mother. You make your husband, you know, you're a good wife, you'reโฆ I mean, sheโฆ
00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:41.000
I was like, what? You know, you're smart, you'reโฆ I had no idea my mother thought these things about me.
00:50:41.000 --> 00:50:43.000
Those are some things youโฆ you know, I used to write.
00:50:43.000 --> 00:50:47.000
Uh, if your kid keeps, like, he won't take out the garbage, write a letter, write a note.
00:50:47.000 --> 00:50:54.000
Garbage goes out 6pm. Put it where the child's gonna see it, so you're not always having to remind them.
00:50:54.000 --> 00:51:06.000
Yeah, so there'sโฆ those are a couple of things. There's tons, tons more in the book. The book covers everything, what to do if they take their seatbelt off when you're driving, what to do in the grocery store, what to doโฆ Um, ifโฆ
00:51:06.000 --> 00:51:11.000
You know, the number one relationship is the husband and wife.
00:51:11.000 --> 00:51:12.000
Yes. Yes.
00:51:12.000 --> 00:51:19.000
You must protect that. You can't allowโฆ It has to happen to your child, but the number one relationship is the husband and wife, so you must do.
00:51:19.000 --> 00:51:24.000
What you needโฆ you have to put that first, what comes first. I remember when Anthony was, I don't know.
00:51:24.000 --> 00:51:28.000
18 months old. Uh, we put a big note, a big.
00:51:28.000 --> 00:51:36.000
Note on our bedroom door, and it said, knock. So I take Anthony to the door, and I say, look, Anthony, look, this says knocked. Do you know what knocked means?
00:51:36.000 --> 00:51:51.000
And he'sโฆ and so I showed him. So I said, okay, we're gonna practice. I said, now, when youโฆ the door's closed, you have to knock. You can't just walk in. So let's practice. So, and then I showed him how to do it and everything, and I went in the room, and I said, okay, Anthony, knock. And he knocked.
00:51:51.000 --> 00:51:57.000
And then I would open it and go, oh, great! And then we practice where he'd knock, and I wouldn't answer it.
00:51:57.000 --> 00:52:06.000
Mom will be out in a few minutes! So he had to learn that if, you know, if we said we'll be out later, then he was not to open the door. He would wait.
00:52:06.000 --> 00:52:22.000
So, weโฆ so teach your children, as I'm telling you, if there are things like that, teach them. Teach them. And a one-year-old can start doing chores. She'llโฆ all children must have chores, and choresโฆ areโฆ that'sโฆ that'sโฆ the currency for being a human being.
00:52:22.000 --> 00:52:26.000
We must clean up after ourselves.
00:52:26.000 --> 00:52:31.000
It is, and we have to show an example, too, right?
00:52:31.000 --> 00:52:32.000
One of the biggest things that we want to show our kids.
00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:36.000
Exactly. Exactly.
00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:38.000
Is we're not telling them things that they need to do things.
00:52:38.000 --> 00:52:45.000
That we're not doing. But one of the things you said, too, let me change the subject, but maybe I guess I do, because.
00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:51.000
You areโฆ another good thing, and then I want to talk about your book before we close, we've got about 7 minutes left.
00:52:51.000 --> 00:52:57.000
But you also talk about many parents feel guilty. About mistakes that they have made.
00:52:57.000 --> 00:53:03.000
And you often talk about, forgive yourself. Why is forgiving yourself, or forgiveness.
00:53:03.000 --> 00:53:06.000
So critical to raising stronger kids.
00:53:06.000 --> 00:53:13.000
Oh, that's such a really good question. You know, yesterday's gone. Alright, if you've done something that is really bad.
00:53:13.000 --> 00:53:16.000
Then decide, how am I going to make up for this?
00:53:16.000 --> 00:53:21.000
Because what happens is, is you feel guilty, like, oh, I don't know.
00:53:21.000 --> 00:53:30.000
You yelled at your kid, or maybe even you hit your child, and you feel guilty about it, and then you let them get away with all kinds of stuff. Well, in actuality, you're making things worse.
00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:39.000
So you need to figure out, okay, I've made that mistake in the past because I didn't understand, I didn't know how to control my anger, but now I do.
00:53:39.000 --> 00:53:45.000
And Iโฆ but I still have to be a good parent, and I still have to show my child the right way to do things.
00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:53.000
And, you know, I love that your whole anger thing, because, you know, anger, when we have anger, it really shows that we're out of control.
00:53:53.000 --> 00:53:58.000
And it shows, you know, mostโฆ even 80-year-old people, we're all big babies.
00:53:58.000 --> 00:54:02.000
We're all big babies, because we haven't learned how to grow up.
00:54:02.000 --> 00:54:19.000
Uh, guess what? Life is gonna throw stuff at you, and it's not gonna be pleasant, and as I said when we first started this, 80-20 baby, 80-20. So, you know what? If you have a day that 80% of the stuff goes good, hey, that's great. But you know what? Most days, 80% is gonna go wrong.
00:54:19.000 --> 00:54:21.000
Hey, it's all right, you know what, you'll deal with it.
00:54:21.000 --> 00:54:33.000
So one day at a time, and forgive yourself and say, okay, I did that wrong, how am I going to make up for it? What's my choice? I can't let my child be spoiled, I can't let him run all over the place, because that's not good for him.
00:54:33.000 --> 00:54:36.000
Or me. So what am I going to do to help.
00:54:36.000 --> 00:54:42.000
Him or her and myself, so that we can, um, get over this. Yes, that whole.
00:54:42.000 --> 00:54:47.000
Guilt thing, that's a really, really big one for parents, and especially divorced.
00:54:47.000 --> 00:54:56.000
And they start playing that game. Who's the better parent? Who lovesโฆ never, ever ask your child, oh, that's another thing I've seen on Facebook.
00:54:56.000 --> 00:55:02.000
Which parent does the child go to first? Please don't play that game. Please don't play that game.
00:55:02.000 --> 00:55:09.000
Because you put the child in a terrible dilemma, because no matter whichโฆ
00:55:09.000 --> 00:55:16.000
Each parent they go to, they're wrong! Somebody will be unhappy. Do not say things like that. Say, I know you love mommy, I know you love Daddy.
00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:20.000
So if the parents aren't getting along, you need to keep your big mouth shut.
00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:25.000
Parent, do not ever say negative things about your child's. Parentโฆ other parentโฆ
00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:28.000
Or the other party, the other parent, right.
00:55:28.000 --> 00:55:30.000
Or the grandparents don't speak poorly about. Child's grandparents. Yeah, exactly.
00:55:30.000 --> 00:55:39.000
Anyone. That's so true. Well, I hate to interrupt, but I wanted to talk more about your books.
00:55:39.000 --> 00:55:42.000
Tell us about yourโฆ you have a book available now? How do we get it?
00:55:42.000 --> 00:55:45.000
When's your next book coming out? Tell us more, please.
00:55:45.000 --> 00:55:59.000
This one's available at Amazon, and you can see I've got the QR code right there. You can get it at Amazon. It's rated 5 stars by everybody. In fact, somebody just soldโฆ somebody I gaveโฆ I gave him two of my books, he was gonna give them to his therapist, he said, you know what?
00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:21.000
She paid me for it. It's so good, and she took another one to give to another therapist. They want to give it to theirโฆ to their, um, parent, their, their, theirโฆ people who are parents, and so it's rated 5 stars, and it's realโฆ it's only 50 pages. It's just boom, boom, boom, boom. Here's what you do, here's what you do at the grocery store. So you can get it at Amazon. My next book is for teachers, it's halfway done.
00:56:21.000 --> 00:56:30.000
So this one's, yes, you can raise happy, responsible children. You know, teaching, what a job that is. But, you know, what you really can teach them all. I had one student who.
00:56:30.000 --> 00:56:34.000
Let meโฆ I can just tell you, I turned around some really tough.
00:56:34.000 --> 00:56:37.000
Tough nuts to crack. We got them cracked, and uhโฆ You knowโฆ
00:56:37.000 --> 00:56:43.000
Excellent. Congratulations.
00:56:43.000 --> 00:56:52.000
Yeah, so this is everything I learned with my son when he was young. It's the same information I used, and it's the same information I use when I go to the jail. You know, I go to the jail every week to talk with the, uh.
00:56:52.000 --> 00:56:54.000
Female addicts and alcoholics, that's the same information I use, too.
00:56:54.000 --> 00:56:55.000
Wow.
00:56:55.000 --> 00:57:02.000
To relate with them, and uhโฆ And also, I go to the treatment center every Wednesday night, um.
00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:13.000
To talk with addicts and alcoholics, and it's the same information I use to relate with them, and it, uhโฆ you know, one dayโฆ one day Sanโฆ
00:57:13.000 --> 00:57:20.000
Anthony said to me, I don't know, a couple of months in, he said, are you trying to use that psychology stuff on me again?
00:57:20.000 --> 00:57:31.000
And I said, yes, dear, yes, I am. And he said, well, you know, it doesn't work. He was totally wrong. It was working so well. He was a totally different child. He became so pleasant.
00:57:31.000 --> 00:57:36.000
That was awesome. It was so good to say. Okay, we have about 3 minutes left.
00:57:36.000 --> 00:57:43.000
So, forโฆ finallyโฆ For any listener that is picking up on all of the things you were saying, these are some great items that you talk about.
00:57:43.000 --> 00:57:49.000
But what if there's somebody on theโฆ on theโฆ video right now that feels stuck.
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Or maybe they feel overwhelmed, or maybe just plaint exhausted. What would be your first step to help them.
00:57:56.000 --> 00:58:01.000
The first step of the prescription. We're helping them get back on that road to unity.
00:58:01.000 --> 00:58:03.000
To confidence and a happier life.
00:58:03.000 --> 00:58:14.000
Well, that's a really good point. You know what? 5 minutes at a time. Start living your life 5 minutes at a time. What can I do now? You know, I read the Bible 10 minutes a day. I set the timer.
00:58:14.000 --> 00:58:15.000
10 minutes, I'll read the Bible for 10 minutes. And read more if I want, but not less.
00:58:15.000 --> 00:58:20.000
Wow.
00:58:20.000 --> 00:58:38.000
So. You know what? Set your timer. Okay, in 5 minutes, I'll go wash the dishes. And, you know, just do something so that you can startโฆ if you have to exist 5 minutes at a time, do it. That's something that addicts have to learn. Just to just get through the next 5 minutes, get through the next 5 minutes. The same thing with yourโฆ you're trying not to eat certain things.
00:58:38.000 --> 00:58:46.000
You know, when I feel hungry? Okay, set your timer. If I'm still hungry in 10 minutes, I'll go get something to eat, but find, you know, distract yourself for 10 minutes.
00:58:46.000 --> 00:58:53.000
Everything will work out. If it's up toโฆ if it is to be, it's up to me.
00:58:53.000 --> 00:58:54.000
That's what my mom used to tell me. It's all gonna work out, but you have to say to yourself, you know what?
00:58:54.000 --> 00:58:59.000
Yes.
00:58:59.000 --> 00:59:03.000
It sucks right now, it sucks, it might suck for a long time.
00:59:03.000 --> 00:59:14.000
But it'sโฆ we're gonna come out the other end. It's gonna work. I need to get better skills, I need to learn something. I'm gonna be able to handle it. You know, if we keep going on, oh, this is overwhelming, I can't handle this.
00:59:14.000 --> 00:59:18.000
Um, how do people who survived the Holocaust, how did they do it?
00:59:18.000 --> 00:59:23.000
5 minutes at a time. You do it 5 minutes at a time, and you'll find.
00:59:23.000 --> 00:59:29.000
Every 5 minutes you get through where you don't give in, and where you get things done.
00:59:29.000 --> 00:59:33.000
It just makes life better and better and better and better.
00:59:33.000 --> 00:59:36.000
It makes that next 5 minutes so much better, right?
00:59:36.000 --> 00:59:40.000
Yes, yes, and then you start building up wins. You start thinking, well, wow.
00:59:40.000 --> 00:59:49.000
I did that? Well, I solved that problem. Oh my goodness, yeah, things areโฆ they're not the greatest, but they're working out.
00:59:49.000 --> 00:59:51.000
There you go.
00:59:51.000 --> 00:59:56.000
There you go, thank you so much. Martha, I appreciate you so much. Anyone next?
00:59:56.000 --> 01:00:02.000
Just heartfelt thanks to you. Joining us today, generously sharing your life story.
01:00:02.000 --> 01:00:08.000
Your insights, and your wisdom. Because, for me, your passion for uplifting others.
01:00:08.000 --> 01:00:14.000
We're fostering that authenticity. For yourself, and for our children, and for others.
01:00:14.000 --> 01:00:20.000
They'll be able to advocate that equity. Across the borders, across the lines between.
01:00:20.000 --> 01:00:25.000
Each of us has truly inspired me. I think it's inspired our listeners.
01:00:25.000 --> 01:00:30.000
And we're grateful for the time that you put together. The energy and honesty that you bring forward.
01:00:30.000 --> 01:00:33.000
To do this, and to bring this conversation here with us.
01:00:33.000 --> 01:00:37.000
It's been a privilege to walk alongside you today, and even for a moment.
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You lose 5 minutes, or 60 millions. On your remarkable journey.
01:00:43.000 --> 01:00:49.000
Thank you so much for being here and being with us today, and talking with us.
01:00:49.000 --> 01:00:51.000
Thanks, Mark, it's been an honor. Really enjoyed it.
01:00:51.000 --> 01:01:00.000
I'm so glad, because our journeys are a powerful reminder. That unity. And as you've mentioned, in choosing.
01:01:00.000 --> 01:01:06.000
That connection over isolation. And that courage over the fear.
01:01:06.000 --> 01:01:10.000
Begins within each of us. Through that self-awareness, that resilience.
01:01:10.000 --> 01:01:19.000
And that willingness to grow from failure. I think today's message perfectly mirrors the Achieving Unity Success formula.
01:01:19.000 --> 01:01:22.000
Turning to chaos and that lack of understanding that we have.
01:01:22.000 --> 01:01:28.000
Into clarity, turn the isolation into inclusion. And taking those brokenโฆ take that broken trust.
01:01:28.000 --> 01:01:37.000
It's a purposeful collaboration. Where we all, each and every one of us, from our children, to the middle-aged to adults.
01:01:37.000 --> 01:01:43.000
To grow in everything. That we do.
01:01:43.000 --> 01:01:49.000
Cure that broken trust. Build that purposeful collaboration. And we can all do better working with others.
01:01:49.000 --> 01:01:56.000
We cannot do alone. So everyone that's listening, if you felt a spark of anything that I'm saying, what I'm sharing.
01:01:56.000 --> 01:02:05.000
Please check on Mark, uh, MarketTricken.com. Get in touch with me. If you have anything for Martha, do the same thing, www.
01:02:05.000 --> 01:02:12.000
Marthaburek.com. Do you have a phone number or anything, Martha, that they can contact you, or would you prefer them to go to your website?
01:02:12.000 --> 01:02:17.000
They can just go to the website or onโฆ
01:02:17.000 --> 01:02:22.000
Facebook and LinkedIn, Martha Burrich, B-U-R-I-C-H. And YouTube.
01:02:22.000 --> 01:02:26.000
Beautiful. Facebook and LinkedIn are so handy. Sorry? Okay. Excellent. Again, Martha, thank you so much.
01:02:26.000 --> 01:02:31.000
That's it, yeah. Yeah.
01:02:31.000 --> 01:02:36.000
But we can stay focused on turning that chaos into something more.
01:02:36.000 --> 01:02:40.000
Turn that chaos into connection. As we are achieving unity.
01:02:40.000 --> 01:02:49.000
By harnessing that power, that strength of encouraging. Inspiring, and including others, in building better businesses.
01:02:49.000 --> 01:02:55.000
Better lives, and a better world. As we've said over and over in this podcast.
01:02:55.000 --> 01:03:00.000
Life is truly what we make it. So let's make it awesome.
01:03:00.000 --> 01:03:08.000
Together, in unity. So again, thank you all for being here. Thank you, Martha. Thanks for your message in helping others in your time.
01:03:08.000 --> 01:03:13.000
And your commitment. Hope to see you and talk with you again soon.
01:03:13.000 --> 01:03:20.000
In our view, hoping we'll be back next week. Till then. Sure.
